Can you tell us a little bit about your latest book? When did it come out? Where can we get it?
The book is titled: Loving Me First: the journey to discover your inner self…..
Loving
Me First is a gender neutral, unisex book
that examines various components of relationship experiences from a global
perspective. It discusses variables that impede the cultivation of deeper
intimacy, offers a collective summary of cross-cultural relationship
experiences, and encapsulates life lessons learned. Finally, it includes eight
insights for transformational growth and emotional healing.
It was released on May 27, 2014 on Amazon. It is also available at Barnes & Noble in paperback.
Is there anything that
prompted your latest book? Something that inspired you?
Prior to writing this book, I lived
outside of the United States for approximately two years living and working in
close proximity to men and women representing more than twenty-five different
countries. Collectively, we engaged in countless conversations about
relationships and life experiences. Communication, sexual intimacy, and
emotional pain were recurring topics identified as either beneficial or
detrimental in many relationships. These same three variables are
prominent topics of discussion expressed by men and women residing in the
United States. I was inspired to write
my book as a result of observing domestic and international relationship
commonalities.
When did you know you wanted to write? Or has it always been a pastime of yours?
I enjoy writing, sharing my thoughts uninterrupted. When I
returned to the U.S., I immediately realized that I wanted to write or share
some of the life lessons learned.
Do you have any favorite authors?
Shawn Achor and Anthony Robbins.
Do you write in a specific place? Time of day?
I write Monday to Friday from 11:00PM until
midnight; the room must be quiet.
Great! Are there any words you'd like to impart to fellow writers? Any advice? Great! Are there any words you'd like to impart to fellow writers? Any advice?
When you publish your book you will
officially hold the title “Published Author”.
If your book sales do not reflect your hard work or meet your immediate
expectations, do not become discouraged.
Regardless of the outcome, you will have accomplished a success that
many people only dream of; don’t give up.
Thank you, Dr. White. That's great advice!
Readers, here is the blurb for Loving Me First.
I was sitting in a
bunker in Iraq on the day that I was inspired to write this book. We had just come under attack and danger was
looming. I am a Psychotherapist by
profession. A gentleman sitting next to me whispered “I should have made up
with my wife last night; I want her to know how I feel.” I looked at him and said, “What do you want
me to tell her, because I’m getting out of here alive? My goal was to instill hope. Next, I said to him “Now, I need you to move
to the other end of the bunker.” We all
laughed. At that moment I started
jokingly asking other men and women in the bunker, if there was anything they
needed me to tell their family members? That was the starting dialog for Loving Me First. These conversations extended beyond the
bunkers.
Collectively, we engaged
in countless conversations about relationships and life experiences during my
two year tour in Iraq. Greater than twenty-five countries were
represented during our conversations. Communication, sexual intimacy, and
emotional pain were recurring topics identified as either beneficial or
detrimental in many relationships, similar to variables expressed by adults in
the United States.
Loving Me First is a gender neutral, unisex book
that examines various components of relationship experiences from a global
perspective. It discusses a collective summary of cross-cultural relationship
experiences, and encapsulates life lessons learned. I was motivated to write this book to ensure
that the words and experiences of these and other amazing people were
remembered, encapsulated, and discussed from and international perspective.
Life is a journey; your route may parallel
the evolution of a pearl and you may have endured some irritants. Many people triumph over adversity; however,
pain that is not transformed its transmitted internally or externally. Loving
Me First includes eight insights for transformational growth and emotional
healing. It empowers the reader to move forward in life with hope and
happiness. May you live with purpose as
you prepare to give and receive unconditional love into your life.
And here is an excerpt.
PART III: From the Heart (Healing and Happiness)
If the pain of your story is not transformed it is transmitted.
-Richard Rohr
Transformational Growth: Choose Your Path
Pain
that is not transformed is transferred outwardly or inwardly. There are several
paths that you can travel on your journey to healing. I will discuss tools and insights to aid you
during your transformational process.
Every concept will not conform to your personal beliefs or value system;
therefore you should determine which tool will lead you to your destination of
healing and happiness.
No Exemptions:
In the
world of research it is believed that if a variable is not scientifically
quantitative or if it can not be duplicated, it does not exist. If this is accurate, feelings and emotions,
which are not quantitative, are implied not to exist. However, if you have ever been hurt, had your
heart broken, your trust breached, or have been disappointed by someone you
loved or trusted, you probably reject the concept of quantifiable
measurements. Nonetheless, you may be
able to personally attest that pain and hurt prominently permeates in your
heart; it is immeasurable.
Life is
truly an amazing gift that should be lived to the fullest! However, sometimes
you might experience painful, unpleasant, situations and believe that life is
unfair. If you are asking yourself “why
me?” My response is, why not you? No one is exempt from pain or disappointment,
especially if you are willing to open your heart to others. The one life that you have can be plentiful,
if you take responsibility for it and live it well.
Transforming:
Transformation includes changing the manner in which you process your
beliefs and behavior resulting from your experiences. Your past can not be altered; however, your
mind has the power to heal your heart by finding positive meaning in
your experiences. Change will never happen unless you decide to
make it happen. You have a choice. You
do not have to live with pain or shame.
Today
presents a unique opportunity
for you to
find your strength, to be whole,
… the choice
is yours, this life is yours.
-unknown
How Do I start the Healing Process?
Eight Insights to Transformational Growth!
Lao-Tzu stated “A journey of a thousand
miles begins with one step. This means you can not begin a journey until you
take one initial step in the direction of your destination. If you want to make
significant changes in your life, do not be intimidated, begin the process of
change now. You only need to take one step to start a new life. There are many ways to being the
transformation process. Your path may
include therapy, art, rituals, drama, memorialization, justice or finding
meaning in the experience.
Many years ago, I attended a seminar that
discussed transformational growth. I
have adopted some of the general ideas discussed, expanded on the overall
concepts and developed a model applicable to healing and happiness (Wynn, W.
2008).
Transformation is a process that can lead you to healing and guide you
to wholeness. Transformation starts in your mind by examining the core of who
you are; it requires a new perspective of how you see your life. Transformational growth implies that you will
change, work through your hurt, release the past and grow from your
experiences. You have the ability to
change the external variables in your life, however, you can not transform
holistically unless you change your mind, the habitual patterns in which you
think. Your transformation will
include taking the necessary steps to discover peace by acknowledging your
pain, changing the manner in which you
process old information, and finding positive meaning in the experience. When you transform, you will
release the stronghold that pain and loss has over your life.
You have the power to transform, but do you have the desire?
1.
Pain and Loss are Universal!
It is
important to understand that loss is universal, every human will experience
tragedies in their lifetime; this includes you and it is inescapable. Throughout your life, you have been subjected
to both positive and negative experiences; these experiences formed your
perspective and who you are today. You
have endured great trials and tribulations and still managed to flourish. You
are resilient.
Resilience:
The World Peace Organization (2014)
defines personal resilience as the ability to function the same or greater than
before a crisis, tragedy, or trauma, while working through the emotions and
effects of stress and painful events.
The individual survives, copes and thrives in times of adversity. Afterwards they accept that something negative
happened but they make a personal decision to make the best of the situation.
Resilience is more than the absence of pathology, it is your ability to
adapt, withstand and recover from
stress, catastrophe or adversity without experiencing negative psychological
effects. It is a strength, your aptitude to survive, “bounce forward,” push
through, grow and get stronger. Bad
things happen, but we continue to try, live, and look for the good in our
experiences.
Hurt:
To love
life means to desire a full life. You can not get through life without
experiencing hurt and often by the person you love the most. When a relationship terminates or someone you
trust or love deeply rejects, betrays, leaves you or dies, your heart may be
broken. You may express anger because
something transpired that you believe was unfair. Your loss may be related to abandonment,
addiction, abuse, illness, medical diagnosis, friendships, and the lost
innocence of a child, personal freedom, lifestyle changes, unemployment,
foreclosure, bankruptcy, financial issues, or the loss of a valued item or
event. Hurt and pain can lead to
bitterness and depression. What makes
your loss or pain unique from anyone else’s is that it is yours; it affects you
personally. Life should not be about
finding a way to keep from getting wounded but capitalizing on every
opportunity to keep it from being wasted.
Pain can keep you psychologically,
emotionally, and spiritually imprisoned if you do not learn to channel it
effectively or release it completely.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
-Lewis B. Smedes
6.
Self-forgiveness
!
Forgiveness Frees the
Forgiver: Free Yourself!
This
insight is written specifically for the purpose of supporting you to forgive
yourself. Yes, this is all about you. Self-forgiveness is a journey, a process, and one of the hardest
qualities to practice in daily living.
It is much harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone
else. Regardless of who requires
compassion; forgiveness requires hard work.
Forgiving yourself is a necessary step in the direction of moving away
from your pain.
When
your memory is inundated with experiences that result in blame or shame, this
fermenting negativity infusing deep inside of you can affect a pervasive sense
of unhappiness. Humans are the only
species that judge and punish themselves repeatedly for the same mistake. Your mistakes are reinforced by parents,
partners, relatives, and society. Humans
will not let you forget what you have done wrong. Gloom will always loom if you allow it to.
One
of the greatest joys associated with forgiveness is that it allows you to live
peacefully in the present, while moving into your future with a renewed sense
of purpose. Forgiveness allows you to
focus on change and build on positive experiences. Your regrets serve no purpose, they do not
benefit your life in any positive way.
Please do not confuse this statement with repentance.
Your
character is shaped by your life experiences, to include your exposures, events
that have happened to you and things you have imposed on yourself or
others. If you conquer yourself, you can
conquer the world. Take a moment and imagine
how your quality of life can be vastly enriched if you released your past and
completely freed yourself.
Forgiving yourself includes identifying the specific issue that you feel
bad about, not about the person you are.
Isolating your pain by name, (betrayal, rape, abuse, abandonment,
terminations, illness, job loss, etc.) allows you to focus on the specific
emotion associated with the pain you are working to release. Equally important,
you can name the pain for burial when you permanently release it forever; let
it go.
When
you are not successful at self-forgiveness, you remain imprisoned inside
yourself with unresolved loss, pain and guilt, and these emotions can
ultimately impact your mental health.
Collectively, these feelings increase stress and can be manifested
physiologically and psychologically. All
stress is not bad; however, chronic stress is unhealthy. By reducing your stress you also decrease
your level of anger.
Forgiving yourself can be difficult, especially in situations where you
were at fault; however, it is necessary to personally acknowledge your actions
or inactions. When you are able to
explore your situation objectively and accept responsibility for your actions,
you can begin the process of self-forgiving.
Follow Your Wound…..
We all leave childhood with
wounds.
in time we may transform our
liabilities
into gifts. The faults that pockmark
the psyche may become the source
of a man or a woman’s beauty. The
injuries we have suffered invite
us to
assume the most human of all
vocations- to heal ourselves and
others.
-Sam
Keen
Losses:
If
you were violated by a friend or family member and you disclose this
information publically, you must be prepared for many negative outcomes to
include denial by the offender, other family members, and the loss of many
relationships. These losses may be necessary for your healing.
Although the thought of confronting your offender may sound liberating, this
decision can also be dangerous. In doing
so, you may be empowering the offender to rationalize, justify, or deny their
behavior. Confrontations such as this
can result in further emotional distress.
A decision of this magnitude should never be acted upon without first
consulting a mental health professional.
Please stop punishing yourself for your past decisions. Self-forgiveness is not about forgetting what
happened, ruminating, or continuing to regret your decisions. If you do not move forward, sorrow and grief
will take over and dominate your life.
Even if life feels strange at the moment, it will get better because you
are a survivor. Learning from your
mistakes and moving forward will make you a wiser and healthier person. Ask
yourself, how can your wound lead to growth? Can your experience energize you
to change something in the world or guide you to make a positive contribution?
Resist Negative Thoughts:
Self-forgiveness is an ongoing process, so please do not constrain
yourself to a timetable. Throughout the
healing process it is common to fear an emotional relapse. You may feel that you are progressing, then unexpectedly
you become emotional, experience a trigger, a reminder, and suddenly believe
that your healing efforts are futile.
Resist these automatic negative thoughts and remind yourself that you
have not relapsed into your pre-forgiveness state of mind. When you are feeling discouraged, this is not the time to quit, you are on the
brink of a break through. Do not
give up; forgive yourself instead! Give yourself permission to move on with
your life; you do not need forgiveness for being you.
Magical Thinking:
Magical thinking can often times be
irrational because it supports the belief that a person, event, or outcome is
directly influenced by another person’s action or inactions. You may be hurting and carrying the weight of
the world because your father was absent or not active in your life. Perhaps you believe that he does not love you
because you failed to do something or maybe you disappointed him. It is magical thinking to believe that your
life would have been picture-perfect, better, or vastly different if your
father was present or active in your life. Acknowledge and forgive yourself for
believing that you missed out on a potentially ideal relationship with him
because of his absence. There is
absolutely nothing that supports your belief to be true. Your belief may be a magical fantasy holding
you back, causing you harm, and hindering you from living in reality or taking
responsibility for your personal life choices.
If you could communicate with your father
right now and share your thoughts, how would this change your life at this
moment? If he apologizes, how would this
change your past? Would an apology
change or affect your future? Would you be interested in establishing a
relationship with him as the father he is today or the make believe fantasy
that you wished for or imagined in your mind throughout your life? Even if he
is an abysmal father, it is natural to long for a relationship with him because
of what you idealize in him as a “daddy.”
You may not want to have a relationship
with your present-day reality father; instead you may prefer a relationship
with the man you imagined he would have been in the past. It is important to accept who he is right
now, versus who he was in your childhood, or your adult imagination mind.
Separating the two personas can be difficult.
A reunion can be disappointing and set you up for failure or further
rejection. Likewise, continued reminders
to him about his failures or absence will not repair the relationship. It is
further unwise and unfair to blame him for the outcome of your current life
circumstances. Your life status today is
independent of anyone except you; it is the result of your choices. You have the power to make both choices and
positive changes in your life right now.
Nothing can change the fact that he was
not present in your childhood; however, as an adult, you have the power to
control the terms of any relationship you develop with him now, you have full
control. If you choose to forgive him or
anyone else for what they have done or failed to do, your human mind will
probably not forget the past. It is more
important to learn from their actions.
You have everything that you need to live
the life of an accomplished, thriving adult.
Forgiveness is for you, the forgiver. It gives you permission to move on
with your life.
Author Bio
Dr. C.P. White is a psychotherapist
and native Texan who has been writing articles for federal agencies, the
military, and private sector organizations for greater than ten years. She began writing for the Department of State
Medical Services Department four years ago and continues to provide writing services.
She has a Ph.D. in Human and Community
Services; this has given her a broad base from which to write about many
topics. Dr. White has lived and worked in
the United States and internationally
providing clinical individual, family, and group psycho-education classes.
Dr. White especially enjoys writing
articles designed to meet the unique needs of U.S. Diplomats and civil servants
throughout the world. Her writing skills
may be confirmed by accessing the U.S. Department of State “State of Mind”
monthly publications and the Tigris Times Newspaper.
Utilizing a positive psychology approach,
she recently published a book titled, Loving
Me First, a unisex, self-Help book that explores communication, intimacy,
and emotional healing from a cross-cultural perspective.
Links:
Books:
This sounds amazing and what an astonishing interview Marie!
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